Thursday, January 10, 2008
The Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist - 3
Met my classmates today and it felt strange. I didn't have anything to say to them and I definitely thought they were kinda avoiding me. I really don't understand how I have the power to estrange a friendship simply because of how bitter I feel. I tried to make some small talks and I could see that Chin was trying too.. the rest just seemed like they didn't want to thread on land mine (honestly, do I look like I would chew off someone's head?!). How does it make me feel when my classmates are keeping a distance from me after knowing that I've failed?! It makes me wonder if my failure is contagious or am I too big a loser to come in contact with.
I tried my best to look as 'normal' as I would normally look.. I even put on a subtle smile despite feeling obligated and hypocritical. I have absolutely no confidence in myself and my closest friends are at a lost for words to console me.
Jaz thinks that I'm wallowing in my sorrows. Perhaps I am. Am I not allowed to? I have to go to school, I have to face my classmates, I have to re-do the module that I have failed and I have to live with the fact that I won't graduate with my friends. Can somebody tell me how the hell am I supposed to 'forget it' and 'move on' when I am in constant reminder of my failure?!
I am quite tired of constantly having to suck up the shit around me and move on in life like nothing has ever happened. I have to be the 'strong one' for my Mom to depend on, my relatives tells me that I have to be the 'strong one' cos I'm the eldest of three. Do I also have to be the 'strong one' for me when I screw myself up..? This failure is a big deal to me... before I suck it up and move on, is there anyone I can depend on emotionally?! May I for once be the 'weak one'?!
It is really not fair to vent my frustrations on my classmates 'cos they don't deserve it. I am trying my best to hide my resentment, but I hope people would just stop avoiding me and stop acting awkward around me. It just makes me feel worse.
I'm not expecting my friends to understand why this is such a heavy blow for me. I think what I need from them is some encouragement and support.
Posted by Hao at 11:58 PM
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