Wednesday, January 09, 2008
The Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist - 2
Already a week into the new year and nothing seems 'new' to me. Friends are still the same (whether in a good or bad way..), family is still the same (that's good if I'm fine with how dysfunctional it is..), my life is the same (erm... should I be thankful?!).
School's in. And guess what? It started with the module that I have to re-do (nothing new there!). The last time I was in school, I broke down 'cos I felt like a complete failure. Now that I'm back for the new semester, I can't help but feel resentful with myself for repeating something that I detest.
During the holidays, I grabbed every opportunity I could to bask in the company of friends. Whether it was shopping, supper, mahjong sessions, or a disastrous barbeque, it was my only way to forget the pain that was constantly bugging me.
No one has any right to tell me to 'forget it' and 'move on' because it is another half a year of my life that I have to spend to earn that degree. It is my graduation with my friends that I'm gonna miss 'cos I screwed up. I am trying my best to put this resentment behind me and just get on with what I'm supposed to do and get my damn bachelor degree, but the process seems to be a long and painful one.
I'm gonna have to meet my classmates again soon (yep, those who cleared the semester), and I definitely have mixed feelings. I know my failure has got nothing to do with them, but I feel betrayed and abandoned. It's the jealousy and envy, and I know it's not right, but I can't help it. I don't think anyone should expect me to be chirpy and all smiles when I'm in a place and surrounded by people who reminds me of my failure.
Perhaps what I need is to have my closest, closest friends offer me their consolation and talk to me, which has yet to happen. Meanwhile, I'll just have to put on that 'everything's fine' mask that I've been using every now and then for the past six years.
Posted by Hao at 11:45 PM
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