Thursday, January 10, 2008
The Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist - 3
Met my classmates today and it felt strange. I didn't have anything to say to them and I definitely thought they were kinda avoiding me. I really don't understand how I have the power to estrange a friendship simply because of how bitter I feel. I tried to make some small talks and I could see that Chin was trying too.. the rest just seemed like they didn't want to thread on land mine (honestly, do I look like I would chew off someone's head?!). How does it make me feel when my classmates are keeping a distance from me after knowing that I've failed?! It makes me wonder if my failure is contagious or am I too big a loser to come in contact with.
I tried my best to look as 'normal' as I would normally look.. I even put on a subtle smile despite feeling obligated and hypocritical. I have absolutely no confidence in myself and my closest friends are at a lost for words to console me.
Jaz thinks that I'm wallowing in my sorrows. Perhaps I am. Am I not allowed to? I have to go to school, I have to face my classmates, I have to re-do the module that I have failed and I have to live with the fact that I won't graduate with my friends. Can somebody tell me how the hell am I supposed to 'forget it' and 'move on' when I am in constant reminder of my failure?!
I am quite tired of constantly having to suck up the shit around me and move on in life like nothing has ever happened. I have to be the 'strong one' for my Mom to depend on, my relatives tells me that I have to be the 'strong one' cos I'm the eldest of three. Do I also have to be the 'strong one' for me when I screw myself up..? This failure is a big deal to me... before I suck it up and move on, is there anyone I can depend on emotionally?! May I for once be the 'weak one'?!
It is really not fair to vent my frustrations on my classmates 'cos they don't deserve it. I am trying my best to hide my resentment, but I hope people would just stop avoiding me and stop acting awkward around me. It just makes me feel worse.
I'm not expecting my friends to understand why this is such a heavy blow for me. I think what I need from them is some encouragement and support.
Posted by Hao at 11:58 PM
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
The Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist - 2
Already a week into the new year and nothing seems 'new' to me. Friends are still the same (whether in a good or bad way..), family is still the same (that's good if I'm fine with how dysfunctional it is..), my life is the same (erm... should I be thankful?!).
School's in. And guess what? It started with the module that I have to re-do (nothing new there!). The last time I was in school, I broke down 'cos I felt like a complete failure. Now that I'm back for the new semester, I can't help but feel resentful with myself for repeating something that I detest.
During the holidays, I grabbed every opportunity I could to bask in the company of friends. Whether it was shopping, supper, mahjong sessions, or a disastrous barbeque, it was my only way to forget the pain that was constantly bugging me.
No one has any right to tell me to 'forget it' and 'move on' because it is another half a year of my life that I have to spend to earn that degree. It is my graduation with my friends that I'm gonna miss 'cos I screwed up. I am trying my best to put this resentment behind me and just get on with what I'm supposed to do and get my damn bachelor degree, but the process seems to be a long and painful one.
I'm gonna have to meet my classmates again soon (yep, those who cleared the semester), and I definitely have mixed feelings. I know my failure has got nothing to do with them, but I feel betrayed and abandoned. It's the jealousy and envy, and I know it's not right, but I can't help it. I don't think anyone should expect me to be chirpy and all smiles when I'm in a place and surrounded by people who reminds me of my failure.
Perhaps what I need is to have my closest, closest friends offer me their consolation and talk to me, which has yet to happen. Meanwhile, I'll just have to put on that 'everything's fine' mask that I've been using every now and then for the past six years.
Posted by Hao at 11:45 PM
