Monday, December 10, 2007
The Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist - 1
It's been a while... and there is just so much going on in my head that i dunno where to begin...
Let's just start with me failing one of my papers. Yep, my result was released on 28 Nov '07 and that's when my life started to spiral downwards. I was in complete disbelief. I didn't even want to talk about it 'cos I thought it would be a lesser reality if I didn't breathe a word about it. Like as if!?
Supposed to catch "Enchanted" with Nura the same night or was it the following night..? can't quite remember the details.. Anyway, it was a hilarious movie but all I could think about was my failure and its consequences... I just sobbed through the movie. Go ahead and call me a wuss, but this is a big deal to me.
I kept telling myself that it's ok and I just have to try harder the next time... I eventually went to bed with that bullshit, but I woke up the next day and reality hit me even harder. It was less than ok... actually it is not ok. I'm not going to complete my studies on time. I'm not going to graduate with the gang from my diploma course. I'm not going to do my major assignment with my regular and only project mates. I'm not going to step out into the working society as a professional - not for another god damn year!
Seeing my classmates at the enrolment session (this thing where you have to confirm the modules that you are gonna take) was especially antagonizing. I feel like I screwed up big time and I can't fix it, and there's no one to help me. It felt like the whole world was holding up the 'L'-sign against their forehead, telling me how big a loser I am.
I really needed someone to tell me that it's not the end of the world, but strangely, people were shunning me 'cos I was teary-eyed and they were afraid that I would flare up at them (now, why would I do that?). I cannot deny that I was filled with envy and jealousy for my friends who cleared the hurdle. Deep down, I even wished that they would all fail something so that we could graduate together, but of course I don't really want them to suffer with me (maybe I do - that's my devilish side talking). But it really would have helped if they approached me to offer some consoling (what? do you expect me to beg for consolation?!)
Posted by Hao at 10:37 PM
